Zombie Defense Training

Taking Leave

2009-07-13T08:21:00.002-05:00

Hyrion, it turns out you were right. Something did happen on my ominous day, but something much more banal than a zombie attack.

Without going into detail, I experienced a very personal and deep loss. This event has given me a lot to think about and I feel the need to retire from this blog, at least temporarily.

I apologize to my readers for this sudden need for introspection. Please take care and stay vigilant in my absence.

Ominous Day

2009-07-06T16:14:00.002-05:00

I was taking a walk today. A little warm out, but generally a nice day. A couple blocks from my home I got an eerie feeling. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up; I shivered, and a cold breeze made the sky overcast. I got the feeling, right there, that it had begun.

Almost ominously, I looked down and there was a shovel. It was very much like when you start a video game, weapon-less, and you have to grab whatever you first come across. Of course, I wasn't completely weaponless, what with my boot knife, but I couldn't help but feel that the shovel was there for a reason.

So I picked it up, hoping that my neighbors would understand that I needed whatever I could get to stop the zombie threat. At this point I decided it would be best to continue on my walk to reconnoiter the situation.

Several blocks later, it happened: NOTHING. I got back to my house incident free and one stolen shovel richer. God, sometimes I hate the pre-apocalypse.

Coolness in the face of adversity, cont'd

2009-07-02T18:08:00.002-05:00

This is in response to Hyrion's comment last week, about a great way to perfect your coolness when everything around you is going to shit. Hyrion suggested becoming a firefighter. And I have to second this fantastic idea. First and foremost it trains you to react logically under pressure. It also prepares you for adverse conditions (a burning building may closely resemble the terrain after the necropalypse). You are forced to wear cumbersome clothing (which, from what I understand, can weigh in excess of 50lbs) thus preparing you for carrying supplies. Plus you are trained to use things which could possibly serve as zombie weapons.

What is probably the most appealing feature of this possible career path is the fact that not only are you preparing for fighting the zombie threat, but you are also benefiting society while training. I'm all for training to your fullest ability before the necropalypse, especially if you can find a way to train without becoming a sociopath. A word of caution, if you choose this noble pursuit, you may want to leave the "future zombie hunter" off of your entrance essay.

PBS Zombie Article

2009-06-30T08:14:00.002-05:00

I was interviewed by Mike Rosen-Molina, along with several others, for a PBS article about Zombie Bloggers. Check it out:

Zombie Bloggers Create Communal Horror Stories

The article features several other zombie bloggers and zombie websites, and is definitely worth checking out.

Responses to Zombie Practice

2009-06-26T10:34:00.002-05:00

Regarding the comments on my previous post...

Hyrion, I would have to agree that working at a butcher's or in a slaughter house would desensitize you to violence, blood, guts, and perhaps even familiarize you with anatomy. However, I can't help but feel that there one may lose something even more precious by the regular slaughter of (non-zombie) animals. Most non-sociopaths will feel some recoil by the taking of lives. I believe that one can respectfully take an animal's life in order to receive sustenance. However, I also believe this is much different than fighting for your life against zombies. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I would worry that I might lose some of my humanity by the callous taking of lives as is required by employment in a slaughterhouse. Perhaps more practically speaking, I would also worry about sustaining a serious injury, as slaughterhouses are one of the most dangerous fields of employment.

This is not to say that there is no value in understanding the connection between your food and the animal it comes from. So often, in the grocery store, we purchase meat without a thought as to the fact that it came from a living creature. When the necropalypse occurs, I believe that we are going to have to all become intimately aware of this connection in order to survive.

I'm going to end this tangent by saying that I recently acquired my Wisconsin fishing license, and am going to start procuring my own food in a legal manner.

Returning to the concept of working in a horrific and startling workplace (like a haunted house, or Graveyard Records), I think the idea I was trying to get at was trying to find a way to overcome being startled and reacting out of fear, instead of being startled and having a rational defensive response. Obviously, the worst thing you could do in the event of the necropalypse is panic. Finding ways to overcome that "panic response" in favor of a rational response is crucial in these non-apocalyptic times.

Zombie Practice?

2009-06-22T18:42:00.002-05:00

I recently went to a local store in Cudahy called Graveyard Records. I was impressed with their macabre window display and hearse parked out front.

When I walked in the store the only thing I could say was a breathless, "wow". Horror-based action figures floor-to-ceiling, countless replicas of movie props, all topped by a shrine to Rob Zombie's (appropriate, no?) Halloween, featuring many of the costumes used in the film.

What struck me as most interesting, given my constant search for ways to train for the zombie threat, was the almost haunted-house-like set-up of the store. The aisles are tiny and you are forced through a set passageway, which has many twists and turns. At nearly every turn you are greeted with a full-sized mannequin decked out in full horror regalia. By the time I left the store, my nerves were exhausted from constantly reacting to my paranoid sense that there was someone behind me.

This made me think, would being constantly subjected to such an environment (like the employees most certainly are) cause you to be desensitized to the upcoming constant horror of the necropalypse? Such a thing could be useful. Conversely, one could get so used to having monsters and zombies constantly looming around you that you are no longer have the correct response to an actual zombie. To become too casual around the threat is a weakness.

The Authorities

2009-06-19T17:22:00.003-05:00

Thank you to everyone who was prepared to hunt down the zombie version of me, should that be the cause of my previous absence. That certainly would have been a ironic twist (or perhaps not so ironic since I expect that my training will eventually put me in contact with the undead threat, perhaps before the general public). I am glad so many people are willing to step up to their responsibility of insuring the survival of the human race.

Christopher sent me this link during my absence, sorry for the delay in mentioning it, but I think it is really noteworthy:
Boston PD acknowledges zombie threat

My first reaction was one of relief. Finally, the authorities are recognizing that civilians have deep seated concerns about the impending zombie menace. My second reaction was one of paranoia. What if the Boston PD is trying to lure the public into a false sense of security? What if this is part of an overall conspiracy to make the public complacent and less likely to react to a zombie threat when it actually does happen?

Regardless of my unbridled paranoia, I truly hope that this story represents a turning point in the public understanding of the zombie threat.

Reporting to duty

2009-06-18T09:24:00.003-05:00

"There comes a time in every man's life when decisions have to be made.
Whether to toil, to labor, or just plain piss your days away"

As every pre-apolcalyptic zombie hunter discovers, there are times when your secular life overwhelms your higher calling. My absence is inexcusable. I am not going to try to explain it away, other than to say that my attentions were needed elsewhere. I apologize for neglecting my duties; I will attempt to resume a regular posting schedule.

Thank you to everyone who has wished me well, and inquired as to my well-being. I am happy to say that I am nearly recovered from my shoulder surgery (being able to lift my arm over my head is a wonderful ability). While I continue training on my own, I have changed my routine to accommodate my healing and reduce the likelihood of future injuries. The fragility of the human body has been made abundantly clear to me.

Absence

2009-02-07T10:36:00.002-06:00

The nice thing about being out in the middle of nowhere without civilization creeping up on you is that you have time to focus and reflect. Lately, I have been consumed with banal crap that eats up all my time. Unfortunately, in these pre-apocalyptic times, jobs, rent, and social obligation all infringe on valuable time that could be used for preparing for the apocalypse.

These everyday complications are in addition to the worsening of my shoulder injury. My range of motion has decreased considerably and my ability to sleep has been compromised by the reoccuring pain. Because of these worsening symptoms, I have elected to get surgery to repair the damage that has been done. Needless to say, this was a difficult decision to make, what with my distrust of doctors and fear of incapacitation. As I posted previously though, I still believe it is better to fix this injury now rather than have to deal with it during the apocalypse.

After several conversations with my doctor, I am fairly certain that he is legit. Even so, I will be accompanied by one of my friends who I trust in case the nation succumbs to a zombie threat. Hopefully, this temporary inconvenience will allow me to once again resume training against the zombie threat.

Way to take initiative

2009-01-29T08:11:00.003-06:00

Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

I commend this hacker's effort to warn the public of the impending zombie menace. Too bad the gesture was unappreciated. From Chris Lippincott, director of media relations for the Texas Department of Transportation, "It's sort of amusing, but not at all helpful."

Not at all helpful?!? I question Mr. Lippincott's allegiance to the human race.

Becoming Zombie

2009-01-28T20:42:00.002-06:00

Something has been on my mind lately.
Throughout my zombie training, I have subjected myself to rigorous desensitization combined with a strict physical regimen (ideally anyway). The idea being that these things would make me a more formidable zombie hunter.

Taken to the extreme (which due to societal and financial restraints, I haven't been able to do yet) the training necessary to become the ultimate hunter turns you into a zombie of sorts. Of course I don't mean the horrible flesh-eating, rotting menace that plagues my nightmares, but rather a zombie in the metaphorical sense. When one ceases to think and question, does one not become a mindless entity, perhaps only capable of the hive mentality that is the zombie threat?

Obviously, by writing this post, I am asserting my humanity. And it is perhaps through this awareness that I will be able to avoid becoming the mindless opposition to the mindless threat. I can only hope that I will continue to have this awareness once the necropalypse occurs, and survival is the only goal.

Obama knows the score

2009-01-25T19:08:00.003-06:00

It's been in the news since his inauguration, but Obama got a new transport that rivals anything else out there right now, besides, perhaps a tank.

Of course, Obama's people are stating that this car is to protect the president no matter what the circumstances, but a quick look at the stats indicate a clear preoccupation with the zombie threat:

I, for one, am pleased that the possibility of zombie attack is being considered a national threat. Perhaps soon some government funding will be directed at preventing the zombie menace.

wtf?

2009-01-22T20:55:00.002-06:00

I stupidly decided to go for a run today... outside. My shoulder has been acting up since I've been working out on the elliptical and I thought I would give it a break today. Rather than drive all the way to the gym, I figured I would tough it out and go for a run.
As you can see, I prepared by bundling up in my mismatched winter gear. Even so it wasn't enough. About two miles into my run, the combination of sweat and below freezing temperatures resulted in catastrophic leg failure. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but I started cramping up and becoming very chilled with another mile and a half to go.

Regardless, there was a lesson learned here. My personal physical limitations, as well as the drawbacks of my sweat-absorbing workout clothes were made dramatically apparent.

But this isn't what pissed me off. I walked the last block to my abode, past some local construction. As I hobbled, swearing to myself, the line of construction guys catcalled at me. I thought it was barely obvious that I was even a woman. But that's not the point. Catcalls are just plain rude. Even though I vowed to never use my zombie-hunting skills against people (pre-apocalyptically, anyway), a big part of me wanted to turn around and bitch-slap the whole line. I had to work out an extra half-hour afterward just to let loose the rage in a healthy fashion.

Back at the gym

2009-01-20T20:31:00.002-06:00

I honored my resolve today and returned to the gym. In the interest of working on my arms (which I pretty much hate doing) I decided to work out on an elliptical machine. Turns out it wasn't actually an elliptical machine but rather some sort of medieval torture device masquerading as exercise equipment. It seemed to be designed to cause all of your limbs to simultaneously flail in all directions. After I managed to dismount this monstrosity, I went for a run and got some real exercise.

I suppose the machine wasn't all bad; it demanded coordination and encouraged problem-solving. Still, when I exercise, I prefer to set my body to work and allow my mind to work on other problems I've encountered throughout the day. I'm going to try to go back to the gym tomorrow, provided that it's not warm enough to run outside (outside running is much more preferable). If I do go tomorrow I am going to try to strike a balance between the elliptical (the real one, this time) and running.

when did this happen

2009-01-17T19:49:00.002-06:00

It snuck up on me. Between moving back to the land of processed food and easy transportation, getting sick, and sub-zero temperatures I've gotten a little flabby. Imagine my surprise when I decided to do some crunches and push-ups (since my routine got disrupted from being sick) and I could no longer do them in any quantity.

I realize now that I will have to go to the gym more, as much as I despise going there it is a necessary evil. Perhaps instead of viewing it as the soul-sucking abomination that it is, I should approach the gym as a place to spread the word about the zombie menace. I've converted people in the past.

Me: So why are you working out?
Random Guy: To get washboard abs!
Me: Zombies don't care about washboard abs!
Random Guy: What?
Me: You know, zombies? It's a good start, but washboard abs are the least of your concerns
Random Guy:...
Me: How far do you think you could run while carrying a sixty pound pack of supplies? Do you feel confident that you could disable and kill an incoming zombie while wearing said pack? For that matter, what's your weaponry training?
Random Guy:...
Me: I'm just saying....

Pickled Zombies

2009-01-14T20:47:00.004-06:00

For those of you not in south eastern Wisconsin, we got a dusting of snow over black ice coupled with sub-zero temperatures. All of this made for disastrous driving. One notable accident consisted of a salt truck that flipped on its side, spilling salt all over the interstate.

So in continuation with my thought-process from the last post, I was wondering if this abundance of salt might contribute to the unnatural (extra unnatural) preservation of the undead menace during the winter. Are we inadvertently laying the tracks for pickled zombies?

Field Studies

2009-01-12T21:22:00.003-06:00

We all know that zombies will become more frail over time, due to their bodies (very much slowed) decomposition. However, in these cold winter days might their bodies cease to decompose at all? To be sure, a frozen zombie is a less-threatening zombie, but how about days when the weather is just above freezing? Is a refrigerated zombie more inclined to be preserved to infect again?

I would say that more experimentation would need to be done; zombies in labs subjected to various field conditions, except that laboratory zombies is asking for a zombie outbreak. Even though a studied zombie may contribute to our cause, the risk for infection is too high. All it takes is one slip-up for the world to become overrun with the undead.

So with this in mind, I ask, please report any field results you may have found during the course of eliminating the undead menace. Surely, someone out there has encountered the undead and perhaps had a chance to observe them in various situations.

Meanwhile, we are being hit by yet another snow storm in the Midwest, so refrigerated zombies are not an issue for tonight.

aches and pains

2009-01-09T17:42:00.003-06:00

Because we had another zombie-paralyzing blizzard today, I was forced to shovel again. In the process of doing so I aggravated an injury that I incurred in the past year. Now my shoulder is incredibly sore and I can't lift my arm above my head.

I'm not writing this post to bitch and complain (actually, I am, a little) but rather to stress the importance of taking care of yourself. Because society hasn't crumbled I have time to apply warm and cool compresses and heal my arm properly. Even though I want to be a tough-guy and "push through the pain" I know doing so will only make things worse in the long run. Don't get me wrong, though. If zombies descend, the pain will be the last thing on my mind.

Still, as I grind through my daily existence, I have had an accumulation of injuries, some of which will affect me the rest of my life. As a result certain abilities have been compromised. With my shoulder injury I can no longer carry anything over 40 pounds with my right arm. Also my punching technique has been substantially weakened. Even though these losses are significant, it is important that I recognize them, and work around them.

However, on days like today, with a hot water bag on my shoulder, I hope that my zombie fighting skills haven't been prematurely compromised.

Alternative weaponry

2009-01-05T22:05:00.003-06:00

Because of my inherent mistrust in all things mechanical, I am starting to research alternative projective weapons. Of course, I plan on having enough guns stock-piled that if there should be a malfunction, I will have a back-up.

However, if for some reason I am forced to leave my armory (it's the apocalypse, this shit happens), I would like to have weapons that I can readily fix, if necessary. No doubt, I will have my trusty machete (she has served me well) and my trusty back-up machete, but I would also like to have some sort of ranged weapon.

The first thing that comes to mind is a slingshot. Slingshots have come a long way since I was a kid though. A quick google search yields a huge variety. Not to mention the possibility of making one myself. So it looks like I have to research to do.

Resolutions

2008-12-31T11:47:00.002-06:00

It's that time of the year again.

Here are my New Years Resolutions:

1. Not abandon my post again
2. Purchase more firearms
3. Continue my zombie research so as to find newer and more effective ways to dispatch with the impending menace.

ugh.... sick

2008-12-28T18:57:00.002-06:00

I suppose it was inevitable. My return to civilization would no doubt be heralded by contracting some bug that was going around. I'm fairly certain that I caught it from my family over the holidays. While I am certain that I have not contracted a zombie virus, or anything equally deadly, it has left me in a weakened state. More importantly, it has illustrated a point.

1. The denser the population the more like one is to contract illness (included the dreaded zombie virus).

Despite living under more extreme conditions, I was much healthier during my brief reprieve from humanity. My isolation, combined with my conscientiousness about my well-being lead to having a well-maintained and balanced life.

2. Deprivation from regular contact with viruses and bacteria leaves one's immune system vulnerable.

Luckily, I chose to return to the good fight before the fight was actually taking place. Thusly, I have time to recuperate from the onslaught of sickness that I am currently experiencing. If I were forced to travel to a more urban area during the necropalypse, after living in a less populated area I would be more likely to become sick at the most inopportune of times.

Conclusion: As I am finding with nearly everything, moderation is key. I am currently living in a more populated area that is giving my immune system the buffering it desperately needs. At the same time this area is not so densely populated that it will be instantly swarmed with zombies when the outbreak happens. Yes, there will be more zombies, but with the proper fortifications, it will be manageable.

In the meantime, I am restricted to activities that involve getting rest... mostly catching up on some of the fighting simulations that I missed while in the wilderness.

Holiday Zombie Resistance

2008-12-25T17:28:00.003-06:00

In what has become a Christmas tradition with my family, I watched the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story. It was a nice break from the ongoing questioning about my absence this past year. Seriously, it's not like I was the first person to take a break from civilized life. And if they really cared, they shouldn't have been so quick to assume that I was dead.

Back to A Christmas Story...
Watching this tongue-in-cheek commentary on the culture of Christmas has rekindled some faith on humankind's resistance to zombies. After all, why would Ralphie want a BB gun so badly if it weren't to become a beacon in the zombie resistance. Of course Ralphie doesn't realize this within the span of the film, but the seed has been planted. The closing image of the film, Ralphie sleeping with his trusty gun, alludes to the desolate future to come.

So it is with fondness towards this tradition that I will sleep with my childhood BB gun by my side tonight (of course this will be in addition to my normal arsenal).

Zombie Preparedness

2008-12-23T19:38:00.003-06:00

Everyone has a responsibility, nay, a duty to have several zombie contingency plans in place no matter what the situation. Therefore, I applaud reader Brolly (see comment) for going against his fellow survivalists ill-laid plans. However, I would recommend that Brolly take efforts to correct the shortcomings of the school-sanctuary plan. Presuming that it is a public school, regular citizens should be able to propose modifications to the school grounds to a school board or other community entity. What responsible parent wouldn't want their child better protected from a potential zombie attack. Presented clearly (with excellent visuals, of course) every voting party will become swayed by your passion and logic.

So I suggest, if you think a school (or other public facility) has potential as a zombie-resistant fortress, please alert your community to the greater good that their tax-payer dollars may serve!

A foot of snow

2008-12-19T21:23:00.002-06:00

We got about a foot of snow between last night and today. There were three foot drifts in some areas. As I was shoveling, I had a conversation with another shoveler about creatively creating a snow barrier so as to deflect zombies (not to mention the possibility of having an epic snowball fight).

I still stand by my theory that zombies would have an extremely difficult time in this weather on account of their inability to produce body heat and tendency to freeze. But of course, if we were graced by a sudden onslaught of fresh zombies, they wouldn't have time to freeze. Snow is a pain to trudge through even if you aren't undead. Combined with the lack of coordination present in even the freshest of the undead, snow could be a valuable deterrent and potentially buy you the necessary time to take out the menace.

With this in mind, I constructed a two-foot barrier around my abode. My landlord did angrily have portions of it plowed earlier this evening, but since my house is still zombie-free, I can only assume that it served it's purpose.

So Cold.

2008-12-16T18:05:00.002-06:00

On days like today, where it's quite probable that hell has indeed frozen over, I am grateful for modern conveniences such as indoor heat, achieved without a zombie attracting fire. Though this does raise the question of whether or not zombies are able to sense heat.

Afterall, snakes can sense heat, as a means to locate prey, might zombies not also be able to sense heat? We as people can seek out heat for survival, but most of us are not sensitive enough to be able to locate heat-giving sources such as warm-blooded creatures. Because of this, I believe that zombies would not use this as a primary, or even secondary, means to locate prey. Still heat is best used in a contained fashion. If you have means to use heat discreetly, such as in an urban area where heat is used everywhere (at least immediately after the necropalypse) you should be able to stay warm safely.

However, I can't stress enough how bad of an idea it is to use fire. Zombies have no natural aversion to fire, but the crackling and wavering light will most likely attract their attention. And one of the few things worse than an attacking zombie is an attacking zombie that happens to be on fire.

So now, in this plausibly zombie-free time, it is a good time to obtain to some long underwear and heat-retaining clothing and practice wearing it. Yes, I know it sounds silly to "practice" wearing clothes, but it is important to understand and be prepared for the level of mobility that said clothing will provide. Though there is one positive to wearing bulky clothing: it's a lot harder to bite through.

Drunken Hunting

2008-12-14T21:42:00.004-06:00

Living by yourself in the wilderness leads to an inevitable boredom. I have to admit that when bored during my my exile, I did engage in some reckless behavior. As a means to justify such recklessness, I classified it as experimentation.

One means of experimentation took the form of trying to discover the impact that alcohol had on my zombie hunting skills. Despite my best intentions and claims to sobriety, I have to admit that I really do like beer. I wanted to learn if whether or not imbibing the occasional brew would actually have a significant effect on my abilities.

Firstly, I had to procure alcohol. One of my survival manuals had a recipe for a mead-like beverage. Incidentally, this recipe was hand-written in the margins, and not part of the original publishing. I would have very much liked to have met the previous owner of this book.

Weeks later, I was able to put my plan into practice. My alcohol wasn't very good (first-time, and consequently, last-time home brewer here) and it was considerably more alcohol than beer by my estimation. I drank a glass and set about hunting. Since I had not spotted any undead, I had to settle for hunting my dinner.

I'll spare you the details, but I feel safe in saying that the results of my experiment indicated that a single beverage doesn't have a significant effect on my personal abilities. However, I still believe it best to abstain from alcohol. I felt fairly confident that zombies would not descend upon me during this single mildly inebriated evening, but that is exactly the overconfidence that gets one killed.

I wasn't in terrible danger of my prey turning on me; I'm pretty sure that I could defend myself against a squirrel even if I was really, really drunk. However, a zombie is not the same as a squirrel. The simple fact that the alcohol reduced my coordination enough that I had to really focus on the hunt indicates that it is a significant hinderence. Luckily for me, no zombies attacked that night, and I awoke the next morning with the mildest of hangovers.

In conclusion, for the sake of your own survival and imminence of the zombie threat, please abstain from drinking. You never know when you will need to be in prime survival state. And if you insist on drinking, please leave brewing to the professionals.

Towards a Goal

2008-12-10T18:46:00.002-06:00

For some reason, my gym membership is still active. I guess they decided it wasn't in their best interest to contact me after my attendance dropped. So I decided to make some use of it today.

I am not opposed to running outside during the winter, after all it is good to build up some temperature resistances. However, I prefer not to run on ice. As much as I try, I still have an inherent and unavoidable clumsiness. Running on a slippery sidewalk is an unnecessary risk. If I break my leg and the necropalypse begins, I'm pretty much screwed.

I took my run to the gym's indoor track today. I can't quite explain it, but the gym intensifies a certain rage in my workout. All these poor bastards go there to refine their physique, but I'm fairly certain that few could disable a zombie with their bare hands. Sure they will be better equipped to manage the zombie threat than your average couch potato. Unless that couch potato is a Halo master with an encyclopedic knowledge of zombie films, and an arsenal to combine the two fields.

I digress. It makes me sad when I see people mindlessly working out at the gym. Where is the joy? They watch crappy talk shows and brainlessly workout towards what? a swimsuit? When I go to the gym, I'm mentally evading zombies, attacking marauders, and feeling very alive. I'm sure that the other gym attendees are unnerved by my dissecting glare, trying to find their weaknesses and where to strike should the situation demand it.

So I encourage everyone, when you're working out, make sure you're working towards your survival. I promise you will be invigorated.

The glacial apocalypse is nigh, high time for hunting

2008-12-08T19:50:00.002-06:00

Here is the midwest, weather reports are predicting that we will be under a foot of frozen slush-ice by mid-afternoon tomorrow. Yeah this makes driving conditions = dangerous, walking = hazardous, and zombie-hunting = easy.

By the time the blizzard subsides sometime late tomorrow or possibly Wednesday, any local zombies should be frozen solid, immobile, and fairly (though never completely) harmless. So grab your sledge, kiddies, it's time to thwack some undead.

Of course, I have yet to spot any undead locally, but I will still keep my sledge handy tomorrow just in case. Of course I always have an arsenal at hand.

On a related note, I got a report from Kevin northern Illinois noting that there is no apparent local zombie activity. I always appreciate regional updates on the zombie front, and am happy to post them here, so please, keep me updated!

Fairly out of the loop and Left 4 Dead

2008-12-06T09:55:00.003-06:00

Even though I've been back for a little over a month, I am seriously out of the loop. Totally missed the presidential election, though I am somewhat relieved that America voted against the pro-zombie candidate. And I am far behind on all the various pop culture permutations of the zombie threat.

Everyone has been insisting I play Left 4 Dead. It was one of the first things that I did once I returned to civilized life, before I even sorted out that whole "presumed dead" thing. At first, I really struggled with the game. A year away from electricity has left my gaming skills somewhat dampened. However, the simulated experience of fighting zombie-esque monsters quickly reinvigorated my dexterity, while simultaneously leaving me with a gamer's blister unlike any I have ever experienced.

My biggest critique of the game, is that the monsters you are up against are not technically zombies. They move too fast and have a level of group coordination beyond the living dead. If anything, they more closely resemble the "rage-infected" of 28 days later. In spite of this categorical misfire, the game is noteworthy. The fighting system combined with the necessity of working with a diverse group provides an experience that could easily transfer over to a real-life zombie situation.

On the downside, I've noticed that my return to civilized society, combined with gaming and junk food, has resulted in a lessening of my survival-based physique. But at least now I can more easily adjust to the demands of a survivalist lifestyle when the time comes. In the meantime, however, I am going to enjoy my hostess cupcakes.

Escapism is not the answer

2008-12-04T11:45:00.003-06:00

I have spent the past year on the noble quest of barricading myself against the impeding zombie menace, or so I thought. But after many a lonely night with nothing but squirrel jerky and a tattered copy of the Zombie Survival Guide to console me, I have to admit that my self-imposed exile was motivated by fear rather than any so-called "nobleness".

After failing to trap any animals for several weeks, thus necessitating dipping into my precious canned food reserve, I was forced to reconsider my motives and my path. About a month ago I returned to Wisconsin. Haggard (though slightly disappointed that, as a woman, I did not have a grizzly adams-esque beard), hungry, and assumed dead, I attempted to reintegrate myself into contemporary society. It was harder than I thought, but with the help of Adam (thanks for following through on that last post, btw) and other zombie-hunter sympathizers. I now have a job and a place to live, and access to a precious, precious xbox 360. Hopefully within the year, I will be able to convince the IRS that I was not evading my taxes.

And so I have returned to my blog. Thank you to all the people who demanded that I stop being a pussy and return to the fight for humankind. You were right. I am back.

Farewell

2007-10-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

This is Adam Borser. I am a friend of Rens's. she sent me a letter to put on her blog. Here it is

"Adam,
Please post this letter to my blog after you get it. I've enclosed the necessary password information for you to log in.

As you and my readers know, I've been preparing for well over a year to fight the incoming zombie threat. While I have yet to see any hard evidence of the inevitable necropalypse, I can't discount my intuition that the end is, in fact, neigh.

After reviewing the contents of this blog, I believe that I have left enough information to set anyone on the path to becoming a zombie hunter. While, no doubt, there are many finer points to be argued, all of the basics for zombie survival are contained within (complimented, of course, by Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide - The book that started it all). Therefore I believe that I have served my role in preparing the general public.

Because I cannot escape the sense of impending doom, I have decided to take my knowledge and my bountiful resources (both in weaponry and canned food) and move to an isolated location to implement the final phase of my zombie preparation. While I will not disclose my exact location, I can say that I have opted for a colder climate with rocky terrain outside of the American borders. While a more difficult decision, I have also decided to preemptively live off the grid, a hand crank radio being my only source of outside information.

So take what you will from this disjointed compendium of information, and remember,

NEVER GIVE IN, NEVER GIVE UP
-Melissa"

Zombie Squad in the news

2007-08-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

The lovely folks over at the Zombie Squad were recently interviewed on the radio.

Check it out at:
KWMU News: Zombie Squad Interview

Appropriate Government Attention

2007-08-14T07:23:00.001-05:00

Finally, the current administration is giving the undead menace the attention it deserves:

The gift that keeps on giving

2007-07-16T16:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was honored to receive a gift consisting of a machete that has its share of history:

It was used in botany expeditions (and may have even seen some zombie action!) and is at least fifty years old. Like any good weapon, its age does not make it obsolete. As far as its contemporary application: the machete is short (capable of close quarters combat), sturdy, and heavy enough to do a significant amount of damage, but light enough to carry at all times. I'm going to clean it up and sharpen it, and add it to my arsenal.

Here's a pic of me with my new weapon:

Zombies, the lesser of two evils?

2007-07-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

For reasons relating to my previous state of unemployment, I spent the entire day at court (in a completely observational capacity) at the trial for a particularly savage beating incident. Faced with the horror of real violence executed in a fashion that can only be described as evil by people who can hardly be deemed human, I seriously question my war against the undead.

Sure, it's easy to speak in absolutes when referring to something as black and white as the walking, cannibalistic undead. But there is something innocent about zombies. They have no choice in the matter, but rather are merely carriers for a virus that can only survive by creating more and more zombies. The zombies, themselves, are mere players in a far more savage play.

But what of conscientious evil? We, as humans, are capable of horrible, horrible things. It is our responsibility to maintain our humanity, and rise above any possible vicious impulses. But what of those of us who don't?

Perhaps what I am getting at with this long-winded statement brought on by an exhausting, emotional day is that though I fear the zombie apocalypse, something far more sinister is brewing amongst us living, breathing humans. Our apathy towards our fellow human beings is much more dangerous than the virus that seeks to turn us into cannibal corpses.

Perhaps I am being overly cynical. I can only hope that the court system will provide some semblance of justice, and maybe save my perception of the human race.

Sky Flowers

2007-07-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

Given that it is the fourth of July, this is the perfect time to test to see if the "sky flowers" theory of Land of the Dead. Anyone familiar with the latest Romero entry into his zombie lexicon will remember that the zombie resistance group used fireworks to distract the zombies leaving them open to attack. Granted, this is a plot device used to illustrate the zombies' continued evolution, but I do wonder if there is some merit to using a loud, flashy distraction to open up zombies to an attack.

Of course, there is no documented evidence of this working or not working. So tonight, if you're in the US, and happen to see a zombie or zombie horde, take a moment (provided it is safe to do so) and observe the undeads' reaction to fireworks. Please report any findings here and to your local zombie resistance force.

And why we're waiting for the necropalypse, we can all look forward to Romero's next installment, Diary of the Dead.

Side Note

2007-07-02T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am one step closer to creating a more informed public!

My book is now available at Amazon.com
Check it out!

Reasons the previously posted suit would be cool

2007-07-02T16:58:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about it all weekend and decided that the last post wasn't thorough enough, given how cool that body armor is. So,
Reasons the body armor I posted about last time would be cool:

1. Total bite protection from zombies
2. Total splatter protection (no chance of getting miscellaneous blood in your mouth or eyes)
3. Complete coverage and dark coloring makes you less apparent (visually and odorifically) to the zombie menace (though you may want to remove any identifying labels... not because zombies can read, but simply because of the color contrast) so that protection may not even be necessary as you slip through the masses undetected (remains to be tested in the field)
4. Even though I selected this armor because it is zombie-proof, it is also bullet-proof in areas, making it ideal for dealing with marauders.
5. Paired with one of those huge acrylic shields (also available from the catalog) you could totally bulldoze your way through a zombie horde

Pre-Apocalyptic Reasons the suit would be cool:
1. Instant authority!
Who is going to go against a faceless, military-esque wall of a person?
2. Always have a Halloween costume
3. Scaring children (c'mon, it's fun and you know it!)

Next Big Investment

2007-06-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

I managed to get my hands on a police/military catalog. In there I discovered my next big investment against the zombie threat. Behold, virtually zombie-proof, riot gear:

At nearly $600 this particular purchase is a ways away (plus I think you actually need to be a police officer to order it).

Damn Jinxes

2007-06-27T10:37:00.000-05:00

As usual, my burgeoning hubris is punished by the fates.
Specifically, fate was responding to my last post, where I assert that my kicks have gotten stronger and more threatening due to the added muscle mass from running. As a result of my almost bragging, I was punished by spraining/severely bruising my foot. My favorite kicking foot to be exact.

It happened during a round of light contact sparring. Oddly, I don't think it was because of a poorly aimed kick, but rather because of a combination of having my foot stepped on combined with being on the receiving end of a takedown. Which leads me to my next point:

I've been doing more practice sparring lately, which I think has helped prepare me (at least mentally) for actual fighting (zombies or otherwise). If anything, this injury has taught me to be more conscientious of my body (and my feet) and my proximity to my opponent. Granted, sparring with a person and fighting a zombie are very different things. However, I believe that if I can improve my skills while sparring with people, this will greatly improve my zombie fighting skills.

All superstitious beliefs aside, this incident has also taught me not to become comfortable with my abilities, because there is always room for improvement.

I'm going the distance

2007-06-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

Apparently, my muscles haven't atrophied as much as I thought they had in my time shirking my responsibilities. Since my return to the life of a zombie hunter, I've been running regularly (usually six days a week, and between five and seven miles a day). Today I was able to run seven miles without stopping (ok, except at traffic lights; cars are much faster and harder than zombies and therefore worth avoiding). I accomplished this in a little over an hour. This means that, provided I am not surrounded, I should be able to put a fair amount of ground between me and the zombie crowd in order to prepare a counter attack.

An unexpected positive that has come from all this running is that the additional muscle I've built up makes my kicks brutal. Even though my training has dictated that my kicks should be driven by my weight, the added muscle has certainly lent itself to clobbering my enemy (currently the punching bag and poor guy stuck holding a focus pad). With some steel-toe boots (or steel toe tabi) I should be able to take out a zombie with my feet alone.

The downside to all this running is that my metabolism has shot up, and I need to drink more water, more regularly. While this isn't a problem now, when supplies are scarce, it definitely could be an issue. Maybe I should invest in some water purification tablets and freeze-dried food (in addition to my home-base supplies of bottled water and canned food)...

In other news, check out this webcomic, The Zombie Hunters,
www.thezombiehunters.com

Zombie Hunter for Hire

2007-06-22T21:56:00.000-05:00

You may remember my attempts to gain and retain employment during my brief period of "normalcy" when I neglected my duties as a zombie hunter. Unfortunately, the need for an income has pursued me in my return to fighting the good fight. One cannot pay the rent on a desire to save the human race from the undead threat (unfortunately).

One of the plot devices that I always enjoyed in the run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the fact that Buffy cannot live a normal life due to her duties as the Slayer. One of the normal aspects which she had special difficulties with was getting and retaining a job (especially in Season 6).

Now I'm not going to claim that my life is anywhere close to that of Joss Whedon's slayer. Far from it. I have neither the supernatural powers, nor the perfect hair. However, there is a certain resonance in that my training as a zombie hunter has left me with a unique skill set that makes finding gainful employment a little tricky.

As I continue to work on my resume (and try to find an artful way of stating, "Able to brain a ghoul from thirty yards"), I'm holding out for the necropalypse before the rent situation becomes desperate.

Massachusetts and Rhode Island

2007-06-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a trip to Rhode Island via Massachusetts. I spent a good chunk of time in both Boston and Providence, and it yielded surprising results.

First off, let me say that this is my first time visiting both locations. I imagined that it would be something like New York, being that all these cities are on the East coast (excuse my broad generalizations). Of course, Boston and Providence were totally different. Obviously, they were a lot less busy and intense than New York, but most shocking was the complete obliviousness to the zombie menace (again, a generalization drawn from a select group of people that I interacted with). It seems to me that cities so old (at least in terms of the United States) should have a much larger preoccupation with the supernatural. Not that zombies are supernatural, but they are often lumped in that category, and this is how most people become informed about zombies. But I've never really encountered a large group of people that didn't even know what a zombie was.

Needless to say, I had to brush up on my public speaking skills, and start informing the masses in my short trip. I think I made a little headway, but most people were dismissive. I can only hope that my sermons on the impending threat sunk into the people's subconscious, and that they will become the future army against the undead... the East Coast Line of Defense, if you will.

Zombies and Fire

2007-06-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

No matter how you look at it, zombies and fire are a bad combination; here's why:
Zombies (unlike humans) do not feel pain. So fire is not a deterrent in the same sense that it would be for a human. It doesn't initiate any kind of avoidance on the part of the zombie. Of course, it will have the same physical effect on a zombie as it would a human, the zombie will deteriorate at an accellerated rate due to combustion. In other words, you will have a big, stinky, charred zombie mess. Ultimately, this is not a bad thing. It is what happens in the interim that is problematic.

Since the fire will not cause hesitation on the part of the zombie, the zombie will continue to remain mobile, until the fire destroys said mobility. This means that the zombie has the potential to spread the fire, to the surroundings and perhaps back to you (and you don't want to put "stop, drop, and roll" to the test when trying to escape from a zombie). So if this zombie is in or near combustible materials you have the potential to become trapped by the fire (which humans should avoid).

The second, and perhaps more important reason, not to use fire is because of the attention is draws. Specifically, zombie attention. If you're on a non-zombie-populated, deserted island, fire works really good for signalling. However, zombies are drawn to movement, and a flaming, stumbling zombie in the dead of night surely qualifies as movement.

This is not to say that fire can't be used under controlled circumstances. Fire is very good at disposing of zombie corpses and limiting the possibility for contamination. But steps need to be taken to ensure that the fire does not spread, nor does it attract attention. But fire should not be used as a weapon against zombies.

On a incredibly unrelated side note, a friend sent me a link for this zombie t-shirt, which I think is a really nice design, and it might serve its purpose if you're ever caught in a zombie situation and your mind draws a complete blank. Plus it gets bonus points for a cool picture:

Design by Olly Moss, available at Threadless.com

The burden of proof

2007-06-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

One problem with being a zombie hunter in a mostly zombie-free world is that no one believes you when you try to save the world by warning everyone about the zombie menace. This is a tough burden to bear because there is no real proof of the impending threat. Oh sure, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence. Or evidence that my insinuate a zombie situation. But no hard proof. I chalk this up to some sort of over-reaching conspiracy to keep the public complacent. Regardless of the reasoning behind the lack evidence, the zombie hunter still has to convince people of the threat in spite of hard proof.

So how does one do this?
I think the best response is to lead by example. My (occasionally wavering) faith that the human race is doomed to perish by undead hands leads me to behave in a certain way. As far as I can tell there is absolutely no major drawbacks for preparing for this inevitable doom. I am physically fit (despite my potato chip indiscretions), capable of defending myself and others, and have a much more expansive knowledge of science, particularly in the field of biology. Yeah, I do get the occasional wayward glance, and mother shielding her child from my presence, but for the most part, many people are more than willing to engage in a conversation about the necropalypse. This doesn't mean that I convince everyone I talk to, but I like to think that I plant the seed for understanding the zombie threat. Maybe the person in question just dismisses me as a crazy (and I'm okay with that), but maybe on some subconscious level they start to fear the undead menace and take some of the necessary precautions (even if it is only a subconscious level). At the very least I hope that our conversation has caused the other person to be suspicious of any moaning they hear and lurching they see.

I'll put the question to anyone reading this: How do you deal with being a zombie hunter in a (mostly) zombie-less world?

Running

2007-06-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, perhaps the best scene in 28 Weeks Later is the opening scene. Part of what makes this scene so good is the extremes of emotions covered in such a short amount of time. Robert Carlyle's character goes from a loving exchange with his wife, to making the decision to abandon her to save his own life, to running for his life. For me the running part was especially terrifying. The mindless hordes of the 28 [time demarcation] series are fast moving. Since they aren't actually zombies, this speed is entirely plausible. However, this makes them that much more scary. If zombies could move as quickly as the "infected", we (as in the human race) would be totally screwed. Luckily, zombies cannot move this quickly, even if they are freshly reanimated. Contrary to the terror of this opening scene, it actually drove home the fact that our speed is our best tool to fight the zombies.

With this in mind I've resumed a regular running schedule. The ability to do an all-out sprint (like Robert Carlyle) can be invaluable when trying to escape a closing in zombie horde, however, this situations will (hopefully) be few and far between. Rather, endurance is the name of the game. I quote Max Brooks:

"The fact that a zombie will never stop, never tire, and will shamble after you until you drop dead from exhaustion is what keeps me up at night." (WashingtonPost.com).

You need to be able to outrun a zombie, and continue to outrun until you can put together an effective counterattack. Think of running as buying time. I want to be able to access levels of endurance that will give me the necessary time to fight back. So with that in mind, I'm trying to run several miles each day, with the goal of increasing both my speed and distance so that I will have sufficient endurance when the necropalypse rolls around.

28 Weeks Later... whatever

2007-06-06T16:46:00.000-05:00

So I finally got around to seeing 28 Weeks Later. Even though it is not a zombie film (because, as I've outlined before, the infected are not actually dead, or rather undead), I figured it deserved a closer look. (Slight Spolier Warning Here) The first film, 28 Days Later, was pretty good, not because it dealt with zombies, but rather because it dealt with the problems that arise from structural breakdowns in society, and the inherent flaws in human behaviors. (This is also the same reason the malls didn't work in previous films in which they were used as strongholds. Not because of architectural flaws but rather human flaws). As a result, what could have been a slash 'em/eat 'em film was a surprising look at what defines us as human, and how easily that line is blurred in a chaotic situation.

Unfortunately, none of this nuance was present in the second film. There were some interesting concepts that were introduced, particularly the idea of a genetic anomaly that can adapt the "rage virus" (couldn't they have changed the name to something less stupid-sounding?) allowing the individual to continue to behave normally, but isolating them because of the disease they carry. However, this idea is merely a thinly-disguised plot device to give the characters motive to defend the main characters (they're already the only children... do you really need another reason?). The film just ends up being a countdown to evacuate the city. I'm sorry to say that Resident Evil:Apocalypse already covered this territory, and 28 Weeks Later made no attempts to improve on this drivel. The real tragedy is that the movie started off with serious emotional weight... namely the moral question of whether or not to "save yourself". There was such promise that this movie would live up to the precedent set by 28 Days Later, but instead this anticipation makes the whole experience all that much more disappointing.

Of course, there is always the possibility that Resident Evil: Extinction will have some redeeming qualities, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Zombie Survival and Defense Wiki

2007-06-04T07:28:00.000-05:00

I would like to take this opportunity to direct you to the Zombie Survival and Defense Wiki. This is a growing resource for those preparing to survive the necropalypse. Seeing as how there are more and more people becoming aware of the impending zombie threat, resources like this wiki give people valuable tools for their preparations.
So check out the Zombie Survival and Defense Wiki and add to their growing anit-zombie database.

Malls

2007-06-01T14:20:00.000-05:00

I was at the mall yesterday, perhaps because of residual slackerness from the previous month. Regardless, the association between malls and zombies weighed heavily on my mind. Not so much because of the social implications (which are very present) but because of the continued representation of the mall as an urban stronghold.

It is easy to be dismissive of the mall simply because of its prevalence in pop culture representations of the zombie menace. Sort of an "of course that wouldn't work in real life" reaction that stems from being presented on film. However, once I was actually in the mall and able to observe its architecture, and moreover, the flow that said architecture dictated over the abundant crowds, I realized that the mall could, in fact, be a possible safe house. The modular aspect of the mall which so facilitates consumerism, would work spectacularly in a necropalypse situation. Areas could be designated and contained, especially in cases of quarantine, and waste management. Most malls are spacious enough to sustain a larger group and prevent cabin fever over prolonged periods of time. This large space (which necessitates certain security scrutiny and maintenence) could be used to promote exercise throughout the apocalypse, create green spaces, but perhaps most of all represents a space in which it is difficult to be cornered by the zombie horde.

Witness the Urban Ninja who clearly demonstrates the versatility of the mall space especially in an escape situation. I'm not suggesting that everyone is capable of such feats; I know I'm not (though I can tell you what I'll be practicing if I have to spend the necropalypse in a mall).

In fact, I might go out an try some of those moves now, while the health care system is still intact.

I had a Dream...

2007-05-31T17:00:00.001-05:00

Or maybe it was a delusion?

I dreamt that zombies were a physical impossibility. My zombie training fell by the wayside, and I lived a "normal" life. I watched crappy sitcoms, preoccupied myself with gainful employment, and went shopping... a lot. So, this is what it meant to be blissfully ignorant. Life was simple; survival was a non-issue.

"How ridiculous," I thought to myself, "How could I have ever believed in zombies... that's just silly." Distracted by modern convenience, and the pretense of logic, I willfully suspended my belief in the zombie threat. This alternate reality has been my reality for the past few weeks. I won't lie. It was nice not to be burdened with the responsibility of saving the human race from the impending zombie invasion. It was nice not to have every conversation I engaged in turn to the subject of how to destroy the reanimated brain of the living dead. And it was nice to lay about and allow my physical conditioning go to waste, eating chips and watching horrible brain-rotting television.

Luckily, I awoke from my deluded state. Almost literally.
I woke up yesterday morning, greeted by the sight of my beloved machete. In my newfound laziness, I had neglected to move it from its bedside locale. Almost instinctually, I reached out for it as I scanned my bedroom for signs of intrustion. It was then, in my semi-hazy awakened state, that I realized that this is who I am. No matter how much I deny the zombie menace in a moment of human weakness, I am a zombie hunter.

Forgive me for my denial. I have resumed my training and planning. I am once again among those who are truly alive, because of their refusal to be subsumed by the undead.

Weapon Storage

2007-04-26T18:44:00.000-05:00

It is pretty much a given that you keep at least one weapon bedside incase of a midnight apocalypse. But what about the rest of your weapons? I'm hesisitant to get some sort of weapons chest or storage unit, because I want to have my weapons readily available, everywhere I happen to be (within the confines of the law, of course).

Now I'm not advocating doing anything unsafe, anyone who has tripped over a baton knows that it's not any fun. Currently, I have something weapon, or weapon-like located strategically throughout my house (and car). But as I collect a larger armory (mostly just because it makes me feel more secure), I am considering storing them some place safe... perhaps where I stock-pile my canned goods and dry food.

Of course, my machete will retain is priveleged location, no question there. What do my fellow zombie hunters do with regards to their large weapon collections?

Long Overdue Contact Info

2007-04-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

I've finally added my email address to this website rens.zdefense@gmail.com

If you have any pictures of you or stories about you engaging in anti-zombie activities, informing the general public about the impending threat, or just wearing anti-zombie gear, go ahead and send them to me, I'll post them to the blog.

Here's to making a more visible anti-zombie presence!

That time of the year

2007-04-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

It is the wonderful time of the year, Spring! Of course this would be the season when zombies thaw out and again present themselves as a moaning menace. Luckily, this is also gardening season, so preparations can be made.

How will gardening prevent the zombie menace? The obvious answer is to start laying plans for a vegetable garden so that you have a readily available food source in the event of the apocalypse. However, the more immediate answer is weapons! As I've pointed out before, your locally owned hardware store (or Home Depot, if you live in big-box land) has a marvelous selection of potential weapons, most of them related to gardening that available in stores now. For example, I'm feeling that a spade might not be a bad thing to have around.

So go to your local hardware store, handle some of the "tools", and start preparing your armory.

Shameless Self-Promotion

2007-04-07T07:40:00.000-05:00

I don't do this to often, so please forgive my shameless self-promotion.

The reason I've been so lax on posting the last few months is because I have been writing a book. Well it's finally available! It's the story of my friendship with Isaac Renfield, a man who claims to have worked with zombies:

It's available for sale at lulu.com

Also, if you are in the Milwaukee area, I will be having a book signing at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee on Friday, April 13th from 5-7 on the second floor of the Arts Center, 2100 E. Kenwood Blvd, Milwaukee, WI

I hope to see you there.

Zombies vs. Vampires

2007-03-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

As Wozgog pointed out, vampires have the potential to be just as disasterous as the zombie menace. Even scientists are intrigued, as there was a recent study at Cornell University that "disproved" the possibility of vampires through the power of math. As wozgog also correctly observed, my concern is for the problem of zombies, though perhaps I should be more concerned about vampires if academia is giving this kind of attention to them. Still, I believe that the potential for zombies to overrun the world is an actual problem. The reason I neglect the vampire threat is that I don't consider it to be a serious threat.

Why aren't vampires the same level of threat as zombies? This is an interesting question because the differences are discussed rather early on in The Undead and Philosophy. Forget for a moment that I think believe vampires are a fictional entity. The book correctly asserts that tradition and folklore indicate that vampires are sentient beings. In contrast, zombies are mindless hosts for a virus that is not sentient and only serves to spread. This means that zombies are part of a mass that has the potential to dominate the planet. Vampires, perhaps due to their increased physical and mental prowess, and of course, immortality, combined with consciousness, would be very selective about whom they admit into their ranks. This is the flaw in the Cornell study's argument. Of course, vampires would be a burden on society, since they are esstentially murders, but their deathly population wouldn't explode expontentially, like zombies' would if left unchecked.

There is also the matter of individuality, which makes becoming a vampire seem so much less terrifiying. A vampire, because (again as folklore declares) they are a fusion of human and demon, still maintains the personality of the human it previously was. In essence, you are still you, though a much more evil, blood-drinking, super-powered you. As a zombie, your body is present, but your individuality is not. Your body becomes an animated shell. And as we all know, being zombie hunters, you should not hesitate to kill the monster no matter who it looks like, because it is no longer that person.

I guess I shouldn't wholeheartedly discount the possibility of vampires; it could be my downfall. However, I like to think that my zombie hunting skills might serve in other instances. Regadless, because of their individuated sense of purpose and selective "breeding", vampires do not pose the threat that global outbreak of the zombie virus does.

Spreading the Word

2007-03-28T10:05:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest things I support is informing the general population of the zombie threat. This includes making people aware of the possibility of zombies taking over, as well as giving them the tools to fight back.

Justin recently went on such a mission in Cancun, Mexico. Being a tourist location preaching about the zombie threat here has the potential to reach people from all of the US, if not the world. I commend him on his efforts. Here is a picture of Justin on location, complete with his zombie resistance t-shirt:

So go out, inform the public, support the cause!

Fido

2007-03-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

Thanks Verloren!
I just want to put my zombie killing skills to use. Maybe I should be playing some Resident Evil just to get my fix.

In other news, Justin, just brought Fido to my attention. Check out the trailer at www.fidothemovie.com for a host of reasons why zombies should not be kept in a domesticated state. Even though it is presented as a comedy, comedies are most effective when they contain a hint of truth. Hopefully, Fido will have the level of social criticism apparent in Shaun of the Dead.

Now if only it were playing at a theater near me.

Are we there yet?

2007-03-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

Will the necropalypse never come?
*goes back to sharpening machete*

Like Zombies?!?

2007-03-14T19:16:00.000-05:00

One question I often hear is, "Why do you like zombies?" I can only presume this question is based on the assumption that I like them because I talk about them so much. Anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows that I hate zombies. Perhaps a better question would be, "Why do you spend so much of your time on zombies?" with the "instead of other monsters" being left unsaid.

Not to discredit other monsters, except that is exactly what I'm about to do; other monsters are not real. This is not to say that they don't represent interesting cultural and social phenomena (which zombies can also represent). However, the vampire/werewolf/mutant threat is non-existent. Even if they do exist (which they don't) they hardly represent a global threat. Because of the selective process necessary to pass on these particular "monster traits", the possibility of a vampire (or any other fictitious monster) outbreak and consequent destruction of the human race are a statistical impossibility.

The popular retort to this is, "well there obviously aren't any zombies because there haven't been any large scale zombie infestations." Even if the person disregards the evidence towards the end of The Zombie Survival Guide, the reason zombies haven't decimated the earth is because of dedicated individuals like myself. So the correct answer to "Why do you like zombies?" is "I HATE zombies, and you should be grateful!"

More Zombie Dreams

2007-03-05T21:29:00.000-06:00

I think I have zombie dreams every night now. I hope that that is some indicator of my passion for hunting zombies. Usually, the dreams is set right at the turning point when the undead start to outnumber the living, and I'm just starting to get a feel for the best anti-zombie strategies. The one thing that is common to every dream is my over-estimating of my abilities, nearly getting killed, stepping back and re-evaluating and becoming a better fighter. I think that's probably a fairly accurate subconscious evaluation.

I assume that this is evidence of my brain trying to provide subconscious training simulations for me while I sleep. It's a way for me to actively analyze strategies on my down time. Moreover, I like that my subconscious tries to keep my ego in check (it's classic Freudian psychology). Mostly, I think the dreams will help tamper my fear response when the zombies do actually rise. Regardless, it makes for exciting sleep, and I usually do feel well rested in the morning.

Zombies and Philosophy

2007-03-02T20:52:00.000-06:00

I just received my copy of The Undead and Philosophy (note that I am purposefully neglecting the subtitle here). I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm hoping (and it seems possible from a quick perusal) that it will continue some, as for yet, unseen zombie insights. However, as interested as I am in the philosophical underpinnings of zombies in our culture, I am approaching this cautiously, for the following reasons:

1. Any philosophical approach to the zombie phenomenon will only provide further understanding of the human understanding of zombies. It will most likely not serve any practical function in the field. Thus it is potentially of less training value, than say, Guns and Ammo.
2. The authors/editors found it necessary to include vampires under the subject of "undead". Sure, vampires are undead, but they are also fictional, and of little use to the zombie hunter.
3. The subtitle is a major turnoff, implying that there is sympathy to be found for the undead masses, where there should be none.

Still, despite my reservations, I will try to give this a read, and glean any possible useful information regarding the impending zombie hordes.

Zombie Watch

2007-02-28T19:36:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that I have been somewhat distracted, what with all of the training and stock piling. As a result, I don't search the news every day for a possible zombie outbreak. Sad to say, this might cost me my edge. However, I am happy to report that someone else is covering this topic, hopefully with some success and foresight.

Samexf posted a comment recently. Upon further investigation, I found that he has his own blog, encouraging the dissemination of news of possible zombie outbreaks. So check out Zombie Watch, and please report any occurances which may be zombie related. As a globally linked community we can stop the threat. So keep your eyes peeled, and please inform us (the zombie hunting community) of any potential outbreaks!

More Wintery Mix

2007-02-26T19:03:00.000-06:00

While leaving the house today, I was very impressed with the slippery conditions. Because of my superior dexterity, I was able to keep my balance and successfully circumvent disaster. However, given the same conditions amidst a zombie invasion, our undead attackers may not fare so well. When I usually discuss the weather and how it may affect zombie movement, I tend to fixate on the cold and its effects on dead tissue. I've completely neglected the positive effect this weather might have on the zombies' complete lack of coordination.

Like all zombie defense measures, this is a double-edged sword. In keeping surfaces slippery you are risking a possible fracture, or at the very least a severe bruising. Bragging rights aside, this is a serious issue. But if you are cautious (and I recommend erring on the cautious side with all things zombie-related), this becomes a minor concern that could seriously shape the terrain to your advantage. But I would suggest getting those cleat-like grippy things that slide over your boots as a precautionary measure... not to mention the fact that they could potentially do some damage in a kicking situation.

Birthday Wishes

2007-02-24T20:45:00.000-06:00

Today is my birthday. I am 28. And for my birthday wish, I wished to be the best zombie hunter ever. It's corny, I know, but we all know that wishing for world peace is an effort in futility. Plus, my wish is something that I can have some hand in making come true. So here's to increased training... and hopefully getting wiser... in my growing maturity.

Dentistry

2007-02-22T20:37:00.000-06:00

One of the best things that you can do in order to prepare for the zombie menace is to make sure that your body is in the best working order before the menace rises. While I usually apply this to exercise and healthy eating it also extends to more specialized areas, such as dentistry.

Personally, I despise going to the dentist. I don't have any specific fears, or any of the normal dentist problems, I just really hate going. However, I did overcome my prejudice last Friday, and I went to the dentist. I am happy to report that my teeth are in good working order. This may not seem like a particularly tremendous accomplishment, but at least I don't have to go for another six months.

The reason things like this are important to upkeep (as much as you may hate to go to the dentist), is that you can't have the distraction of a toothache (from a neglected cavity... or whatever) when you are trying to fight for your life. Anything that will keep you healthy longer is a good thing, even if it does mean giving up an afternoon of training to have your teeth coated with a disgusting cherry-flavored paste, only to have it sprayed all over your face when it is "cleaned" off.

Guns, guns, guns

2007-02-19T21:52:00.000-06:00

I think it's obvious after reviewing my previous posts that I tend to prefer (and speak more confidently about) close range weapons, such as bludgeons, and my all time favorite, the machete. I want to emphasize that this is not because I don't think ranged weapons are valuable. Quite the contrary, taking out the undead hordes from a distance is very preferable to close range fighting because of the lesser chance of contracting the zombie virus.

So why don't I talk more about guns? Unlike machetes and baseball bats which are quite affordable and very legal to practice with, guns are much more complicated. I simply don't have that much experience with guns. A couple of months ago I went to a gun show, and more recently I've been visiting gun stores. Judging from the talk I heard shooting back and forth, things were quite a bit more complicated than I anticipated. There are so many different types of guns, all of which have their bonuses. And the range in quality (which will affect effectiveness in the field) is huge (and reflected in the price tag). Honestly, I'm not sure if this is something that I will ever get a handle on.

And of course there is the matter of training. While I would love to spend more time at the shooting range, it is simply too expensive. Taking my practice home isn't a good idea either because the area I presently live in would seriously frown upon said activities, and I can't fight zombies from jail. So try to squeeze in training when and where I can, and at the moment I rely a lot on Justin's opinion, since he is much more versed in guns than I. I hope to eventually be more knowledgeable in this area, but I welcome any recommendations in the mean time.

Man Vs. Wild

2007-02-15T20:01:00.000-06:00

I found this show, Man Vs. Wild, on the Discovery Channel. The premise: this ex-military guy gets dropped into situations (such as "adandoned tourist") and he shows how to survive and conquer the wilderness. As someone with a necessary interest in survivalism, I found this show captivating. Basic skills that often evade us in our pre-apocalyptic lives, are shown in an instructive and practical manner. The episode I saw even showed how to start a fire with a stick and a piece of bark. I thought that was folklore! So here's to starting fires in my kitchen in an attempt to prepare for my post-apocalptic life on the move, in an undead urban landscape!

Advice of the Day: Buying one of those flint things that you scrape with a knife blade to create fire might not be a bad idea.

Long time, no posts

2007-02-13T19:22:00.000-06:00

In these pre-apocalyptic times, I am always trying to push my limits, just so that when the undead rise, I will be better equipped to fight the zombie menace. Makes sense, right? However, occasionally (such as last week), I push too hard, and it has dire consequences. I gave myself an extra-strenuous workout because I wanted to see if I could still run/punch/kick after working out for a couple of hours. I found that I could, in fact, push myself past exhaustion and still fight (albeit with a punching bag). I expected to be sore later, a feeling that I find rewarding because I know it is the feeling of building muscle. Unfortunately in my weakened state, perhaps as a combination of the weather and other stresses, I got sick.

I think I got a cold or maybe the flu (though I still stand by my feelings towards flu shots). I was laid up for two days, and am still recovering. Zombies better not strike tonight, because I'm not at my full braining potential. No doubt, I could still fight my way through hordes of the undead, but there would be boogers everywhere.

So, in conclusion, I have learned the value of incremental increases in my training. I want to be able to do a six-hour brain-a-thon-with-cricket-bat some day, but today is not that day.

Morbidity and buttons

2007-02-05T10:03:00.000-06:00

Regarding the last post.
Reflections on death are not morbid, nor should it take a cannibalistic army of the undead to cause you to reflect on your death, and by extrapolation, your life. These are consequences of our existence which should not be taken for granted; not simply because the zombie menace may not rise during your lifetime, but simply because our existence should have purpose with or without the undead motivator.
I still need to do some more thinking on this topic because I can't make my words express my thoughts...

In an unrelated event, I've started wearing my button with the Zombie Defense logo (the severed arm crossed with the machete) in a more prominent location. This button, perhaps because of it's ambiguity, has proven to be a much better conversation starter than the "Ask me about the Zombie Menace" (which I've since removed). As a result, I've gotten to A.) Warn more people about the incoming zombie threat, and B.) Hear personal stories about several individuals encounters (be they real or cinematic) with the undead menace. I believe that this interaction with the community makes me a better zombie hunter because I've come to know the people I'm defending and also started to understand their specific fears. To quote Martha Stewart (who probably would be a good zombie hunter, what with her custom antiqued homemade machete), "it's a good thing".

I'm not telling you this to sell my buttons, but rather encourage everyone to get in touch with their community and help prepare them for the incoming threat (an action which needs no button). A unified group of people will stand strong against the zombie menace.

Death (again)

2007-02-01T22:29:00.000-06:00

Someone asked me today what my thoughts were on death because I appear to be obsessed with the phenomenon when it comes to my zombie work. My immediate response was something along the lines of not being obsessed with death, but maybe more with life?

I've given it some more thought, and here's what I've come up with. While becoming a zombie is a horrible way to go, the situation where your corpse suddenly is not under your control forces you to take responsibility for your death, but also the death of others. I'm not talking about killing anyone, but rather dying peacefully and honorably. It's not really a negative thing, which it might be perceived as. It comes down to making the very unselfish decision of ensuring that your corpse doesn't rise and put the lives of others in danger.

More importantly, once you accept your demise as inevitable (as it invariably is, especially in a necropalytic wasteland) it becomes non-traumatic, and in many ways, life-affirming. If anything, it causes you to appreciate the life that you have, and to protect the lives of those that you love. Like we've discussed before, fighting for your survival engenders a sense of living, which goes un appreciated in these current pre-apocalyptic times. This doesn't mean going out and placing yourself in life-threatening situations (but this is usually cited as a reason for sky-diving, bungee-jumping, etc.) but to pre-emptively make yourself aware of the inevitability of your demise, so as to savor every day for all that it is worth.

Stiff

2007-01-29T21:52:00.000-06:00

In my pursuit of knowledge of anything that may assist me with my zombie hunting career, I recently read Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. Though she doesn't throughly explore the undead menace, she does tackle the subject of reanimation (covering some of the topics discussed in the Not Supernatural post).
While this book has a very respectful tone towards the "afterlife" of human remains, it primarily discusses the positive things that corpses do for humans, such as providing teaching tools (both in medical and detective fields) and a means to experiment where using living human beings would be utterly and ethically wrong. It doesn't discuss the damage that corpses do when they rise up and destroy everything you hold dear. I can only assume that Roach did not interview any zombie experts for her book, or more likely, did not include any apocalyptic scenarios for fear of inducing public panic.
Irregardless of its lack of undead content, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, proved to be a thoughtful exploration of human remains, written with a calmness that makes me wonder if Ms. Roach will agree to join my team once the dead rise.
On a side note, Roach discovers that the legal definition of "death" is brain death, so start preparing your zombie-killing legal defense. However, I must add that usually putrification is also grounds for declaring legal death, so be sure to include that in your defense, so that you are not actually accused of killing a zombie, in the event of causing brain death.

Body Odor

2007-01-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

We can all agree that excessive body odor is not a good thing, however, given that zombies use the sense of smell as one of their primary means of detecting prey (Brooks, 7-8) perhaps we should reflect on the best smell for a person. According to Brooks, strong perfumes and deodorants don't deter the zombie from finding human prey. This would suggest that they can smell the "human" smell. Anyone who has ever had a physical education class in high school could tell you that though. What I am interested in is whether or not people can lose their body odor.
I know I've read somewhere (and perhaps another survivalist can verify this) that people lose their human odor after spending several days in the wilderness without all of the products that we regularly use, but with some cleaning (with local water sources, to eliminate BO). It would seem that there is some truth to this. The context I seem to remember reading about this in, was in terms of hunting and tracking prey. Eventually your prey would cease to be able to distinguish your scent from the surroundings. But zombies aren't the standard predator; would it disguise the fact that we are living, and therefore edible?
I don't think so, but perhaps it would make you slightly less perceptible. Decreasing your detectability (rather than trying to hide it) seems to be a more effective methods. One tactic could be to use your surroundings to an advantage. Brooks implies that the tests done on zombies were done under controlled conditions with an isolated target smell (that was consequently covered up). If you were surrounded by something very odoriforous, your scent may be difficult to detect in a field of stink. Of course, that's only if you can stand it. Another possibility (especially if you have established a stronghold) would be to create a diversionary scent. However, this would be very unpleasant (I will leave the details to your imagination), and may compound the psychological problems of living in the necropalypse.

Advice of the day: In these pre-apocalyptic times, it is still a good idea to use deodorant.

My triumphant return

2007-01-24T22:02:00.000-06:00

I have boldly returned to my fortress in Wisconsin. The snow is about a foot deep, and it's cold enough to freeze zombies after significantly slowing them down. I am currently reconsidering my fence plans after my observations in California. While it would be difficult to erect a fence presently, I think I will start drawing up plans for a fence to install in the fall. In the meantime I will have to maintain my heightened vigilance.

One thing that has become painfully clear since my return is my dependence on constructed time. By "constructed time", I refer to the times designated "sleep" and "awake", as predetermined by time zone. It took me over a week to adjust to the two hour difference upon my arrival in Los Angeles. I still have not adjusted to Central time since my return. This could be a negative or a positive after the necropalypse. On one hand, you need to be flexible, and able to readjust your schedule to fit the environmental demands. On the other hand, theoretically, I could switch to a nocturnal schedule (when zombies are most active), and once re-calibrated, live that way indefinitely. I think the former is probably favorable when the dead rise.

Winter advice of the day: An icicle might make for a really cool de-brainer in a pinch

La Brea Tar Pits

2007-01-18T09:13:00.000-06:00

After visiting the La Brea Tar Pits, I was wondering if this may be an ideal area to set up a zombie resistance stronghold. Obviously, the tar pits have proved to be a death trap for several thousand years... why wouldn't they work against zombies? However, tar pits do fall into that category of, "if it's dangerous to zombies, it's dangerous to humans". Yet, with some care and preparation, the tar pits could be an effective defense.

Cool-headedness is extremely important when dealing with zombies (or any other extreme situation, for that matter). It is this quality which would make the tar pits work for you. Zombies aren't going to be able to assess the danger associated with the tar pits and circumvent the threat; they will attempt to traverse the shortest route to their prey, though. By exploiting this inclination (and not panicking), it is possible to destroy large populations of zombies in one fell swoop. Moreover, if you built your stronghold nearby, you are essentially eliminating a possible inlet for a threat.

As always, there are some potential drawbacks (most obvious being the chances of getting caught in the tar yourself). Other drawbacks include the area in which the tar pits reside. While being slightly hilly, the terrain doesn't provide any other deterrents; it's gentle slopes appealing to the zombies' clumsy nature. In addition, the tar pits are located in a surprisingly urban area. Large populations equal a large potential for zombies, and in-fighting amongst the human resistance.

So proceed with caution... and prepare, prepare, prepare!

The thing about California

2007-01-16T19:22:00.000-06:00

I've spent almost two weeks gathering information about California's zombie fighting potential, specifically, in the Los Angeles area. Here is my first report:

The Los Angeles area, is favorable as far as cities go. It has a spaciousness (that New York does not have) which makes getting trapped less likely. The roads are fairly wide, enabling using transportation (even a Hummer, which I've seen a few of) for far longer than an average city. Transportation is widely available, which means that gas should also last longer (providing that you are willing to siphon it from abandoned cars).
The houses here are also well-suited. Most houses are built of adobe (which is never seen in the Midwest because of the weather). They are solid houses; a zombie will be less likely to claw their way through them. Also many abodes have a pre-existing defense system such as a fence and gate. With some minor modifications, these will resist a zombie attack for a fair amount of time. Moreover, I've noticed that lots of people have food-bearing gardens, which will thrive all year (unlike the Midwest), providing a self-sufficient food supply.
Of course, the inevitable escape from the dense urban area is inevitable after the necropalypse. While fairly urban in several directions, there are lots of protected areas, and farming areas which will make for good fortresses when the urban structure collapses. In addition, Los Angeles is fairly close to the Rocky Mountains, and has its share of steep and foreboding terrain, which we all know, is difficult for zombies to traverse.
The weather is debatable. While it hasn't actually frozen up here, it has been very cold at night, which, while it makes for human discomfort (and potential sickness), it won't cause zombies to freeze. A heat source is still advisable/necessary. However, it does get fairly hot during the peak hours of the day. This would nullify any effects of the cold, and make the stench unbearable.

So far, I would say that the Los Angeles area is a decent area to stave off the zombie menace. As always, it would be even more favorable to build a remote fortress on mountainous terrain, with a semi-isolated ecosystem. I will be returning to Wisconsin in about five days to bring back my newfound knowledge. I will try to post any additional findings before then.

Transportation

2007-01-06T11:12:00.000-06:00

In a belated response to hairdo-pancakes question of appropriate post-apocalyptic transportation, I find that most vehicles are somewhat problematic. The suggestion of a Hummer can be used effectively under ideal circumstances. It is probably one of the best off-roading vehicles, which is probably why it was developed by the military. It does provide serious protection; it is unlikely that a zombie (or small group of zombies) would be able to penetrate a Hummer making it a somewhat effective defense. However, it does have a substantial amount of drawbacks:
1. Availability. It's unlikely that you'll just find a Hummer on the side of the road waiting to be hotwired. Unless you live close to a Hummer dealership. Of course, you could always pre-emptively purchase one, but I personally don't have the resources for that.
2. Manueverability. The Hummer will definitely work well on certain types of terrain, namely, expansive, open terrain, or at least on established roads/trails. It will not work well in a dense forest, or in an area with lots of abandoned vehicles clogging the road (which could be a place where the monster truck would prevail, but that's another post).
3. Gas Consumption. As we all know, in these oil-restricted times, gas is getting more and more expensive. If the world is, in fact, decimated, the pumps will eventually run dry. A gas guzzler like the Hummer, necessitates frequent stops at gas stations, and would most likely be rendered impotent eventually. I see this as one of the more problematic consequences of driving a Hummer.

I can see the Hummer as being effective during the earlier portion of the apocalypse, before gas has run out, and before the majority of the population is dead (or undead, as the case may be). However, if you merely need to escape and speed and manueverability are important factors, the Hummer may not be the best choice. I recommend a motorcycle in this instance (provided, of course, that you have the ability to drive one), they are great for gas mileage, and the agility to circumvent most zombie circumstances. If you're trying to plow through hordes of the undead, however, a motorcycle would be utterly inappropriate.

In conclusion, I think that your vehicle choices will ultimately be determined by the circumstances and availability, therefore, it is always necessary to use your best judgment and common sense.

Escape to LA

2007-01-03T07:50:00.000-06:00

I'll be doing some research in Los Angeles for the next three weeks. Given that it has been the site of a post-apocalyptic dystopia in a number of films (and an episode of Futurama), I wonder if there is some secret knowledge to be gained there as to how to handle the apocalypse. Or if there is simply something that makes it ripe for an apocalyptic event?

I'm also planning on bringing my training regimen there. I've stuck to my resolution building endurance via jogging (I know it's only been a few days, and hardly noteworthy), and I plan on continuing to build my endurance there. The change in surroundings should elevate my surveillance and observation levels. Weapons will probably have to take a back seat, but it will force me to look for potential tools in my environment.

So any suggestions or recommendations for training or research in LA?

Resolutions

2006-12-31T20:32:00.000-06:00

On this New Year's Eve, I'm going to continue the tradition of making resolutions for the upcoming year:

1. Up the intensity of my training.
Lately (and partially because of the oppressive holiday season) my training has gotten kind of soft. I want to include more endurance training, such as jogging, in addition to my combat training. Fighting won't be much good if I don't have the stamina to outlast the menace.

2. Participate in more practical applications.
Now this doesn't mean going out and starting bar fights. However, there are lots of ways to test focus and power under stress. I'm thinking about some paintball practice. This is a situation that automatically ups the andreniline and demands concentration under pressure (while also unlikely to cause any serious harm).

3. Learn more about strategy.
Recently, I've started playing Go (download your own version at GNU Go). It's an ancient military strategy game, and at this point, I think it's safe to say that I would be a terrible general. It's really a good game as far as seeing the big picture, which I hope to get better at.

4. Develop a larger arsenal of weapons.
C'mon, who doesn't like weapons?

Hammers Continued

2006-12-29T21:13:00.000-06:00

Nice hammer, hairdo-pancakes!
I have very little experience with framing hammers, but it looks like it would work splendidly. The added nail is a nice touch, however, probably unnecessary. After penetrating the skull, the damage done by the hammer should be sufficient enough to fell a zombie. Think of it like smashing a really big egg.
I think the only consistent point of weakness on any tool like a hammer or a hatchet is the point where the handle joins with the business end. I'm not sure that there is any easy solution to this problem. A solid construction hammer would probably be too heavy to wield, and duct tape can only fix so much. So perhaps the best idea is to invest in a well-constructed, reinforced hammer, such as the one hairdo-pancakes suggested.
I still like the idea of carrying bladed weapons, but the additional usefulness, as well as the practical side, would make carrying a hammer well worth the additional weight. Plus, a hammer can be one of those weapons you can carry with you in a pre-apocalyptic state without violating any laws (unless you're boarding an airplane). After all, that's what those hammer-loops in your pants are for.

Sledges

2006-12-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

One of the more effective weapons in Dead Rising (at least, early on in the game) is the sledge hammer. Since I've never handled a sledge hammer before I thought I should give it a try. Here is my official conclusion on their effectiveness:

1. Too Heavy. Even the lightest of the bunch (eight pounds) would quickly wear down even the most strongest of zombie hunters. The extreme weight negates aim. As we all know, aim is essential; if you can't hit your target, no amount of force is going to make a difference. In addition, it would make travel difficult.

2. Too Big (but not big enough). The extra foot or so that differentiates a hammer handle from a sledge handle, makes no difference in the sledge as a ranged weapon. Unlike a Bo or a staff, which could effectively dispatch a zombie from a relatively safe distance of about five feet, the leverage required to wield a sledge essentially destroys any distance advantage you may have had.

3. Too Slow. Speed is one of the biggest advantages that we (as humans) have over the zombies. The rate at which it takes to swing seriously cuts down on this advantage. As you are picking off zombies with your overweight bludgeon, more could swarm. And, as we know, the zombies' advantage lies in its numbers.

Conclusions:
If you want a bludgeon, a hammer would be a better weapon. It really doesn't take that much force to crack a skull (thus destroying the brain), and the hammer serves a functional purpose (moreso than the sledge).
I encourage real-life handling of any potential weapons. It gives a real feel for how the weapon will handle. Incidentally, I am no longer allowed in Farm N' Fleet.

Soft tissue absorption

2006-12-20T21:07:00.000-06:00

Romero was definitely onto something with zombie bites. Clearly, bites are the most efficient way to deliver the virus. For example, the rabies virus (which is related to the zombie virus) causes changes in behavior leading the subject to be more aggressive, which leads to biting, which enables the virus to propagate. And we all know that biting is a death sentence in terms of the zombie virus.
However, certain areas of the human body are more porous. This doesn't mean that the virus will automatically absorb into the human system, but there is the opportunity for this to happen. So the suggestion of facial protection is certainly apt. Although, like Psyko_soldier pointed out... nothing that can obscure vision.
As far as shoe protection goes. The chain link is a good suggestion provided that it is used in a limited capacity, as it can be heavy, and noisy. As Max Brooks points out, you don't want clinking armor to draw the zombies to you (pages 60-61). But if the chain link is glued to the shoe (and I think it would be more comfortable on the outside of the shoe), the noise-making problem is solved. Personally, I'm a huge fan of leather as a protective material. A zombie is not going to be able to easily bite through it, giving you time to react and brain your attacker. Moreover, it's light-weight, comfortable (breathable), quiet, and far more available than most other forms of armor.
I'm going to work on drawing up some ideas for facial armor, that incorporates all the ideas suggested this week.

Zombie virus inhalation

2006-12-18T21:36:00.000-06:00

It's nice to see so many people coming up with solutions to the various problems of the zombie menace.

Regarding the question proposed of inhaling splatter and consequent infection of membranous tissue. Hairdo-pancakes' solution of a respirator is certainly apt. Personally, my interest in all things ninja, would lead me to choose a ninja mask (maybe with a respirator underneath, for additional safety). Not to mention that it would look cool.
However, I'll make a stop at the army surplus store and see if they have anything that would work better.

And I'll look for some additional foot armor. Of course, I'm partial to my tabi, but they could easily be punctured, thus leading to my imminent demise. I'm hoping to reinforce my tabi with some sort of steel plating before the apocalypse, but I have a pair of steel toes, in case I don't get to it.

Also, excellent game, Hairdo-Pancake. Though I don't think that it necessarily has a practical application, it was certainly fun.

Wii zombie fighting?

2006-12-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

Slash, it's really good to hear from you. I figured that you had upped your survival training to the next level, and created a fortress on a previously deserted island, and were possibly developing some sort of self-sustaining energy source, while also seeking a vaccine for the zombie virus... or maybe that's just my dream. Still, I'm glad to hear that you're still fighting the good fight.

In other news, I finally got a chance to play around with the new Nintendo Wii tonight. After my complaints about Dead Rising, I think that the Wii might be a much better training simulation for fighting the undead menace. Of course, nothing takes the place of actual weapons training, and hand-to-hand combat training, but this might be the closest system yet. Although maybe it's just the adrenaline talking from totally beating a series of friends at Wii Boxing.
Still, if they come out with a Wii zombie game, I'll be very interested.

As far as real-life training goes... I just learned a series of new choke holds. Of course, since zombies don't breathe, I'm not sure how much use my new knowledge will be. I'm trying to figure out how to turn a choke hold into a neck snap (which after the spinal cord is severed will lead to the inevitable head stomp).

What if?

2006-12-13T21:02:00.000-06:00

As Justin and Mr. Bemis proposed, what if the zombie virus has come and gone with no apocalypse or any notice at all?

First, I don't think it is possible for the zombie virus to ever be totally squashed. That's the problem with the zombie menace, it's ever-present. Even if there was only one zombie that has come into existence only to be killed, the very presence of the zombie virus ensures that there will be more...

But, for the sake of argument, let's say that there is no uprising. I have to admit I will be a little disappointed, but my preparation can be applied to many non-zombie situations. For example, if genetically engineered dinosaurs managed to escape from their faraway island and run amok in the Midwest, I'd be more likely to survive, and possibly outwit even the smartest of Velociraptors. Or if radioactive mole-men burrowed their way to the surface in order to claim the earth for themselves, I'd be ready. In more practical circumstances, I am far more likely (statistically speaking) to thwart an assault, unscathed. So I will put all of my anti-zombie skills to use, whenever the situation calls for them.

But don't lose faith, Justin... the dead shall rise and we shall crush them!

To be lean or not to be

2006-12-12T16:12:00.000-06:00

Thank you, anonymous commenter, for you thoughtful remarks. I think you have a point. I've seen some studies (though I'd be had pressed to remember who did them or where they were done) that the level of fitness and complete lack of body fat possessed by some Olympic athletes (for example) is unhealthy when maintained in everyday existence. Rather, this low level of body fat, serves to make these people better competitors, under very controlled circumstances... which are far from the circumstances surrounding a survivalist situation.

However, I am in little danger of attaining such a low level of body fat. So I am glad to hear that my insulation may be of some use (though I had a feeling that might be the case when I was shoveling my way out of my house a few weeks ago). Now, I could certainly stand to eat healthier (something to consider, as various winter festivities are around the corner) which would probably reduce my insulation, but also make for a healthier me. But I don't want to reduce my body fat percentage too much. So, right now, I'm about 145 lbs, which is a little heavier than I should be for my height (5' 7"), but still within the realm of "normal". Now, if I were to lose a substantial amount of weight, reducing me to "model thin" I might look more like the archetype of female beauty, but really, who cares? I'm no good if I get eaten because I don't have the small amount of body fat necessary to carry me through the extra hard times.

Note to self: When searching out a group to help survive the zombie horde (my preferred label for a group of zombies), try to find a group that isn't composed completely of super models.
Also, invest in some sour patch kids.

Military psychology and normal existence

2006-12-10T21:10:00.000-06:00

I've been reading up on the field of military psychology. This practice has many applications, including (but not limited to) counseling people after they return from war, helping families cope with their loved ones being away, but also with figuring out how to overcome the aversion to taking life (and the subsequent counseling needed when these individuals return to "normal" society).

Having not yet seen a zombie, I cannot speak with any accuracy, but rather with feeble hope. I hope that zombies differ enough from living, breathing humans, that the mind is able to make a mental division. Therefore the aversion to killing humans will not need to be overcome.

Granted, we have spent a lot of time discussing the need to overcome the mortal ties with loved ones in order to kill their reanimated corpses; yet I feel this is a special circumstance. The vast majority of zombies will likely be strangers, perhaps (again, speaking hopefully) zombies will behave so differently as to not register as the same species? If these circumstances prove to be true, and the humans do succeed against the zombie uprising, there may be a chance that humanity will return to a semi-normal, albeit more informed existence? One can only hope.

Exhaustion

2006-12-08T06:56:00.000-06:00

While I don't really get sick (as I pointed out in my "Flu Shots" post), I do get exhausted. Usually, it's from doing too much and not getting enough rest, and is easy enough to remedy in these pre-apocalyptic times. However, exhaustion will probably be my biggest problem when it comes time for the apocalypse.

When the menace rises, especially in the early stages of the apocalypse, there will be much to do and little time for rest. Plus, I imagine, rest will be difficult to attain, even if there is time to sleep, because sleep will likely be plagued by waking anxieties.

The best preparation I can think of to remedy this problem before it makes me into zombie bait is to build my tolerance. I see this as a two part plan:
1. Build up my physical abilities (moreso) so that I am able to push myself further physically before reaching the point of exhaustion.
2. Build up my mental control through meditation, so that my rest becomes more effective, and I can maintain better focus when actually fighting.
(3. Taking my vitamins, to help keep up my immunities)

I am open to other suggestions, but I will implement this plan in the meantime.

Not Supernatural

2006-12-05T21:14:00.000-06:00

The biggest hurtle a zombie hunter has to leap when explaining the zombie menace to the uninformed, is making the uninitiated understand that the zombie threat is an actual, plausible threat. I believe this has to do with the misconception that zombies are a supernatural entity.

This belief probably coincides with the association of zombies with Voodoo. As Wade Davis pointed out in The Serpent and the Rainbow, this "supernatural" phenomenon has a pharmacological explanation. Similarly, real zombies are caused by the zombie virus, not some manifestation of evil spirit (despite what Evil Dead would have you believe). This virus merely has the ability to reanimate human flesh. Since reanimation which has been replicated under controlled conditions many times (see references below); this virus is anything but farfetched. Of course, the conditions under which the virus operates make no effort to preserve the brain, so the resurrected human is nothing like its former self. However, the rudimentary need to feed is still very much present, in part because of the virus' poor ability to sustain its host, it will need to continue to infect in order not to be extinguished.
Having never come face-to-face with a zombie, I have to admit, that they are difficult to believe in. However, believing in the possibility of the threat, is no problem. Like I've said many times, it's not a question of "if", it's a question of "when".

Reanimation references:
"Zombie Dog"- though everyone should clearly recognize that this is not actually a zombie.
Soviet Research into Reanimation- this video is profoundly disturbing. I couldn't watch all of it because I was too disgusted. You've been warned.
Wired Article- about the future (and past) of head transplants.
...and there's lots more out there

Blizzard Conditions

2006-12-04T18:58:00.000-06:00

Here in the Midwest, we've recently experienced a blizzard, and it got me thinking...
If you have a stronghold, winter conditions might actually be preferable for weathering the zombie uprising. Of course this is contingent on several additional survival needs (besides the usual food and water). A heat source is crucial (as well as all the necessities of a heat source, such as ventilation), a means to travel in the snow (i.e. snowshoes, a sled, etc), and some other things which I can't immediately think of.

The reason that snow might be beneficial is its effect of dead tissue. Since zombies don't have the power to generate heat, either through the body temperature or through the ability to create and manage fire. So on days like today, the zombies would freeze within a matter of hours. A frozen zombie is fairly benign, while I'm sure it is still very possible to get infected by a frozen zombie; it is far less likely. With the aid of a strong projectile (such as a gun), or an axe and some elbow grease, a frozen zombie can be dispatched relatively quickly, with no fear of zombies surrounding you. Not to mention, the mess factor. A frozen zombie won't splatter everywhere.

In conclusion, there are definitely some drawbacks to running a anti-zombie operation in freezing temperatures. However, the positives are very much worth consideration.

Fear of Death

2006-11-29T21:18:00.000-06:00

Since zombies are the most loathsome of dead things, some people have asked me if I have a fear of death. While I do have a healthy fear of the living dead, as such fears tend to prolong the life, I do not have a fear of death. I think this is crucial if heading into a battle where your betrayal of the humankind depends solely on whether or not you fear death.

The likelihood of becoming infected, especially in a post-necropalyptic world, is extremely high. In order to prevent your corpse from joining the hordes of the undead (which you had previously been fighting), you will literally have to bite the bullet and look death in the face. This is an honorable death, where your corpse will not be a burden (or threat) to the remaining survivors. Do not confuse it with suicide (which is the coward's way out). Technically, you're dead the moment you get infected, you are merely preventing more deaths.

In this pre-apocalyptic state, there is still some time to prepare yourself mentally for this inevitability. To be an effective member of the resistance, you have to resolve to take on the responsibility of your remains and whether or not they become reanimated.

This is the way of the zombie hunter...

Dead Rising

2006-11-28T11:02:00.000-06:00

I have finally, mostly, recovered from my trip to Manhattan. I have to admit that being back in the rural midwest truly feels much safer (from zombies), at least I can have some time to evaluate the situation should the menace strike...
However, while in New York I had an opportunity to finally play Dead Rising. Since nothing in the world could convince me to walk around during that sickening ode to consumerism, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I decided to rent Dead Rising, and decide if it can be used as a training simulation. The answer is no.

The problems with Dead Rising as a training game
1. The zombies do not require severe head damage to die. Granted, enough damage to any type of body should immobilize it, a couple of strikes with a baseball bat (irregardless of where they land) are enough to "kill" the zombies of Dead Rising. Moreover, a single gunshot to the head is not necessarily enough to stop a zombie.
2. If you are bitten, you don't get the zombie virus, your health just goes down (and can be brought back up by drinking a gallon of orange juice- without fear of a diabetic coma). There is no fear of the contagion, and armor upgrades seem to be for aesthetic reasons only.
3. The weapons break too quickly. A lead pipe is not going to be useless after attacking a zombie ten times. The lead pipe will seriously outlast a good chunk of the zombie threat.
4. Some of the most effectual weapons are the least plausible. For example, a park bench can be used to sweep 5-6 zombies aside (also killing them). How many people can wield a park bench? Although, the lawn mower was pretty cool.
5. Finally, movement logistics. The biggest challenge I had in the game was picking up and not dropping weapons. In real life, picking up a lead pipe would not be an extremely difficult task requiring repeated references to the gaming manual. Also running in a specific direction would normally require little thought, but in Dead Rising, I have to make sure that I am aimed in the right direction and that my camera is providing me a view of the direction I'm heading in. This last complaint is probably the most revealing of my video-gaming capabilities, but also is probably the biggest difference between attacking a horde of zombies in the simulacrum versus the real world.

All in all, Dead Rising is an entertaining game, however, time would probably be better spent preparing for the zombie menace by working out and arms training (not trying to figure out how to shift to the crosshairs perspective). Other reviews are welcome.

New York and the Evil Dead

2006-11-22T20:24:00.000-06:00

Evil Dead: the Musical was fantastic! If you are going to be in New York it is definitely worth a visit. Granted, it has its flaws when considered in the scope of zombie defense training, since these are not true representations of zombies. Yet the humor found in the situation is truly inspiring. I hope that when I am fighting legions of the undead, I can reflect back on Evil Dead: the Musical and remember the good times.

In other news, as we discussed in the environmental posts, the urban terrain of Manhattan is absolutely the worst possible environment for disabling hordes of zombies. There are way too many people (and at times, non-zombies seem to have very zombie-like behavior... suspicious)and way too many hiding places. Still, as long as the zombie apocalypse is not immediately immenient, New York is worth a visit purely to see Evil Dead: the Musical.

New York zombie extermination

2006-11-20T19:42:00.000-06:00

I am going to New York, New York tomorrow, as part of my pilgramage to see Evil Dead: The Musical. Yes, this is an important part of my zombie defense training. Yes, I will scope out the city to see if I have any additional input of city defense (especially relevant to our recent discussion of Urban vs. Rural). Yes, I will keep an eye out for any possible zombie activity. And, yes, I will eliminate any zombies I find.
So I might be a little light on the posting for the rest of the week, but don't worry, it's not from succombing to the zombie threat.

Rural Defense continued

2006-11-17T20:16:00.000-06:00

I definitely have to agree with Grand 'Poon's comments. Farmland is the way to go. Even if all of the livestock have escaped or been eaten by previous groups, you're likely going to be able to find produce of some sort. Just don't lock yourself in the basement of the farmhouse (we've learned our lesson from Night of the Living Dead).

Using the terrain to your advantage as a lookout is also a good idea (unless your in Iowa or southern Illinois). By using a hill as a lookout post instead of a building as you would in a urban setting, you enable a much safer escape path because of clear visibility in all directions.

So good advice, Grand 'Poon

In one last shameless promotion (for awhile, anyway)... I added T-shirts to the online store:

Zombie Defense Training Store

Rural Defense

2006-11-16T21:31:00.000-06:00

Wozgog! I was wondering where you were... hoping you weren't swallowed up by the zombie menace, or even worse, having fallen into the depths of non-belief...

I have to agree with your comments. Having grown up a rural girl, I feel fairly confident in my ability to navigate and survive a more natural terrain. In regards to your concerns, research has shown that the zombie virus is non-communicable by animals other than humans. Though they can become infected, the virus will simply kill the non-human subject. The nature of the mutation that kills non-humans always prevents non-humans from transferring the virus to humans. So good news, in kind of a horrible way. At least animals don't have to suffer the horror of their kin resurrecting and trying to eat them.

In other news, I've added a bumper sticker to my online store, Zombie Defense Training Shop:

I hope to get some more stuff up this weekend. Remember, I don't see a bit of profit, and these products are intended purely to inform the masses of the impending threat.

Urban or Wild: Part Two

2006-11-15T19:14:00.000-06:00

As promised, the second installment of which environment is superior during a zombie apocalypse?:

The Wilderness

Pros
1. Less people equals less zombies
2. The terrain is naturally more difficult for the balance-challenged undead
3. It is much more difficult to be cornered as there are no corners; you can always outrun a zombie
4. The abundance of wildlife makes for a good zombie alert system
5. Depending on the area (particularly, if the population is very into hunting), the people may be better hunters

Cons
1. If you're not good at hunting, you'd better get good quickly... food will be sparse
2. Unless you happen upon some hardcore survivalist (who's been stockpiling), weapons are not going to be readily available. If you do happen upon said hardcore survivalist, chances are, he or she is not going to help you out.
3. Climate varies drastically by area, unless you're in a fairly temperate climate (i.e. around the equator), you're going to be lugging around layers of clothing

Again, please weigh in with your opinions.
I think it might be best to set out a rural outpost with supplies, so you get the best of both worlds: supplies and terrain. Or at the very least stock up and load up the car the night of the zombie explosion and get out on the road. That's my plan anyway.

Urban or Wild: Part One

2006-11-14T20:04:00.000-06:00

Because of my bad typing hand (and shooting hand) this will be a two part installment to answer Justin's question of which landscape is superior to fighting zombies, urban or wilderness?

Today, we discuss the Urban terrain:

Pros.
1. Abundance of foodstuffs: grocery stores, corner stores, people's apartments/homes
2. Abundance of weaponry and ammo: sporting goods stores, depending on the area, gun stores, probably the previously mentioned corner stores...
3. Abundance of first aid supplies: available at hospitals, but also pharmacies, police/fire stations
4. Abundance of vehicles which can make escape easy, if necessary
5. Likelihood of finding other survivors, due to denser populations

Cons
1. Aforementioned denser population means more zombies... lots more...
(This is a big con in my opinion)
2. There will be more competition for resources, and possible group collisions
3. Shelter may be more problematic, as lack of natural defenses will lead to the setting up of barricades, which, as we all know, can become death traps
4. Likelihood of government sectioning off city and nuking it to destroy zombie menace (this depends of the state of government post-necropalypse)

These are just a few things I can think of, off hand, please post any pros or cons you may have.
Tomorrow, part two!

Evil Dead... the Musical!

2006-11-12T17:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, my hand is still destroyed, so enjoy this instead of a post...

Evil Dead- The Musical

I'm seeing it later this month!

Hand Troubles

2006-11-09T21:05:00.000-06:00

My finger/hand is just sprained, not broken (or should I say, not broken enough to do anything about).
I have to keep it splinted for about three weeks, or until I get sick of the splint and "lose" it.
In the meantime, I'll have to learn to shoot left-handed.

(Mental note: must stop injuring my hands)

Zombie Nightmare

2006-11-08T21:02:00.000-06:00

After my post yesterday about the subtle states of zombiism, and had my worst zombie dream ever. Let's make one thing clear... I have zombie dreams every night. When you spend everyday trying to prepare for the zombie menace, the menace integrates itself into every aspect of your life. That being said, this was one of those dreams where I wasn't kicking ass.

As I described in my last post, the first of wave of the zombie menace will be less detectable because of lack of public knowledge. This is exactly what happened in my subconscious vision of the future. I was caught up in a hysterical suburbia. My prepared fortress was inaccessible, and my machete was nowhere to be found. I was trying to defend myself with a steak knife with an unsupportive group that would soon crumble from infighting. On top of it all, I got bit trying to protect my half-assed group (that will teach me). I wanted to fight until the bitter end, but I couldn't get any reassurances that I would be put down when the time came.

So, I would say that I have some definite insecurities about what the apocalypse will bring. Hopefully, I will have another of my much-more-fun zombie destroying dreams tonight.

In other news, I might have broken my finger, typing is difficult. It's my trigger finger, so this could be problematic...